confessions of a southside catatonic chataholic

In which Tosca blathers on endlessly and aimlessly about her hopes for her job and describes why she let fear stop her from personally blogging. Or something much like it.

I have let my personal blog slide. Badly. Fear made me do it. And it is fear that makes me pick it up again. Not fear that I will suck badly at it because, very possibly, I do already. I started this blog because I was on a learning and discovery journey and needed somewhere to record that. Over time this became my area to think ideas out loud, to reflect on what I've learnt and, really, to put my epiphany down in words (should I be enlightened enough to have one). The fact that sometimes it gets read is wholly accidental. For the last three months, though, I have been afraid to blog. I was afraid that I would get in trouble if I wrote about the amalgamated organisation I find myself working in (even if it wasn't negative). I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to reflect on my job without it being held against me. I was afraid that people who knew my official work title would judge me by my personal blog, tweetstream, Facebook page and imagine that that was all there was to me. I was afraid that people would follow me/read me for the wrong reasons. And then, just the other day, I realised that I'd forgotten how to enjoy exploring whatever catches my interest and then sharing it. I had let myself be silenced...by myself. Work didn't have to do it (should it have wanted to) because I did it to myself first. Once I saw that, I realised also that fear is the worst reason to stop doing something and so, in an effort not to be any of those things I listed above, I have started again. On a hopeful note, I think. I want to keep this blog as varied as it has always been with roughly the same mix of stupid/important as it has always been without this space becoming one great, big Cranky McRanty Pants post. This is a time of great upheaval and change for me so, naturally enough, I'd want to talk about it, but by the same token I didn't want to make it seem like it's all crap. Because it's not. We're all still exploring where we fit in the organisation and finding out how we progress from here. I'm still trying to see it as a big adventure and, admittedly, some days it's harder than others, but I imagine that's normal. Or as normal as it gets right now. And it won't be that way for long.